dainty empress.☘︎ ݁˖

bersiap-siap, dalam arti harus menghadapi kematian. tidak boleh sibuk terlalu lama dengan dunia, cukup seperlunya saja dan membuat sederhana semua urusan di dunia. al qasas: 77, kejarlah apa yang Allah janjikan di akhirat, namun jangan lupakan bagianmu di dunia. bukan tujuan utama, namun dapat membuat kita semakin bersyukur. bagi orang-orang beriman, dunia luput itu tidak mengapa yang penting jangan kehilangan bagian dari akhirat.

surah al-qiyamah dan at-takwir, setelah langit dan bumi akan dibelah di hari kiamat. surah al-ghasiyah, ada hari pembalasan. surah al-zalzalah tentang goncangan yang sangat besar. al-qariah, tentang kebangkitan. kepastian tentang kiamat itu terjadi.

al-hajj di ayat-ayat pertama (1—8 atau 9), Allah memastikan bahwa kiamat itu akan terjadi. ini panggilan umum, seluruh manusia baik beriman maupun tidak. kita semua disuruh untuk bertakwa. ada goncangan dan jangan tunggu ini terjadi nanti kamu menyesal. pelajari sebelum kamu hadapi nanti, karena itu merupakan hal yang sangat berat.

lalainya seorang ibu untuk menyusui anaknya.

God, I don't know how to operate anymore. I am operating under the rate of disguise and shame out of myself. My rate of trying and trying need to exceed my rate of self destruction and what else? I yearn for a complete and simple life. I don't know how and who and when I get it.

Where do I need to tie my worth? Everything is like building from scratch, everytime for a possible humanly possible and why? I don't know. I don't know about myself and anything. I don't know...

I am really scared. Untuk kembali ke 0 lagi. Maksudnya, semua yang kupunya saat ini direnggut satu-satu. Aku takut memikirkannya. Aku takut itu menjadi intuisi. I already set up my PT., and my instagram profile @tamarabakery.id with worth of 2,600+ views on instagram. I was doing well in design and product photography. I wrote a lot. I mean, a lot. From the novel, The Weight of Want to the Realistic Business Advice from the mentors along the way.

I fear something, something that I was in the rock bottom again. I fear something, something that I lost I need the most. I need internet and my personal phone to thrive but... things just... I am overwhelmed and I am scared. I still need to show up but I'm scared. I need full conviction from Allah but... I don't know if I'm devoted enough.

I paved a path for my future and for my family, I don't feel any sacrifice because this is what I want. But along the way, I lost everyone and everything again and again. Even myself. I am tired and I did it tired. I am a gen Z, so the slightest inconvenience kinda bother me and I'm hopeless easily. I don't know why. God, I lost people again and again and again. Even from my first childhood love, Denhas Mahardika. A Leo. Even from my childhood-like crush, Syifa Tuffahati. A Leo again. Even my prospect, Dany Akbar. Fuck. It hurts so much to the point I turn myself even more private. It's hard but I need it to be done. All this sacrifice, no, not sacrifice. All these losses... is it teaching me something? Is it a bigger puzzle than this? Now I'm being tested with something I think and I said a lot: Positive Illusion and 100% reliance of Allah. Tawakkul as it most.

1) Husnudzan 2) Bertakwa 3) Bertaubat, Beristighfar.

Berprasangka baik kepada Allah bahwa aku nggak usah mikirin orang lain, apalagi masalah mereka. Apalagi mengaitkan masalah mereka dengan masalahku yang aku sotoynya membuatku susah juga. Padahal, tidak demikian. Amalan batin lebih penting daripada amalan zhahir. Dunia tidak pernah bersahabat dengan siapapun. Termasuk orang kafir. Termasuk orang munafik. Terlebih juga untuk orang beriman.

Kemarin-kemarin aku banyak berpikir tentang Ibunya Amanda, Vera Noor Baaman. Beliau diuji dengan anak-anaknya, dengan kesendirian beliau, dengan usaha travel, butik, dan restoran beliau. It aches me so much to see that. I really long for a husband to accompany me and I know very well how gut-wrenching is that. The never-go-away grief, soul-sucking and like a mental blackhole. It nearly make us crazy and even... kill ourselves. Kalau bukan karena mercy, kasih sayang dari Allah, aku juga udah bunuh diri dari dulu—nggatau kenapa rasanya ngga kuat.

Cara ridha dengan takdir Allah 1) Tidak membanding-bandingkan diri dengan keadaan orang lain. 2) Segala hikmah itu tidak harus turun saat bersama dengan musibahnya. Tetaplah berjalan saja, grief itu nanti akan mengecil dan mengecil.

June 2024, broke up with Syifa January 6, ask kak Aldi. February x, ask a filipino guy. March, ask Dany dan Awalludin Hasonangan. All of them crumbled. Zahira, Ines, Shidqi, Chaca, Safira, Santi, Fathia, Nafa, Andinne, even Rania, married. I cringed so hard of myself. Why I go through something so unserious yet so tragic like this?

I gave up Hollywood and Pop Culture. I gave up Instagram Posting. I gave up TikTok, Reels, and Shorts for fun. Just Reels for business engagement without anything embedded in my brain. I gave up gossip, berdua-duaan, even Snapchat. I gave up the comfort of my bed. I gave up... Golia, hope so. I gave up... my brownies and my craving for sweets. I gave up... dating. I gave up... linkedin. I gave up... pagesofkhair on instagram. I gave up... my phone and Polybuzz. I gave up gaming. I gave up make-up. I gave up clicking on Instagram story. I gave up even a sweet drinks like tea. I gave up instant noodles. I still learn, to consistently gave up on music. My dream was so vivid and full of symbolisms. From the dark alley and a bathroom without toilet, to the junkfood slippery roads, and mentoring session with the owner of Mbun. I gave up stalking people. I never saw my ex's profile a bit. I gave up dating apps like Coffee Meets Bagel. I gave up unnecessary doom watching Alex Hormozi or Steven Diary of A CEO, and else... I tried to. I gave up gluten. I tried my best. I gave up my dream about sending my daughter to KSA college, Princess Nourah in Saudi Arabia. I gave up for searching my own soul like in 'be yourself' propaganda. I'm not buying into that anymore. Anything is just... a responsibility now. I gave up learning French right now. Too much to juggle. I gave up being the all-knowing stereotypical first daughter. I gave up explaining to people. I gave up sending mails and handwritten mails for them. Fuck. I gave up on an ideal life and the transition was rough. Now I, consciously or unconsciously shaped with my own vision and never ending focus and flow. Heck I gave up on my exercise plan and Muay Thai. I know I gotta keep on track for that. I gave up, still try, not to consume news.

But I gave birth to my ever changing business. Tamara Bakery. The best I could have despite all the losses. I still have my parents. And God please, give my health bar to both of them.

One thing: Violently Rapid Growth. That is me. “Hate is nature's most perfect energy source. It's endlessly renewable.” said Bobby. I never agree so much.

february, 10. 7.45 am. bekasi, rasanya rada cumen.

start here. i already reached my monthly goals in just less than one week. you need a balance between hard work and being in the flow, creative one. take the compound interest of your work. this is my 3rd times i attend to lecture of ustadzuna nudzul. Allah make me change through him.

learned by doing, not by theory. kamu punya mimpi, kamu punya orang (yang kamu kenal, tapi bukan keluarga). kalau kamu merasa, saat dengan orang tersebut, kamu itu berat dan selalu harus mengalah dan berkompromi, artinya jangan mimpi/tujuan kamu yang diganti, tapi ganti orang/lingkungannya. jika kamu tidak bisa berjualan, it's a skill issue. either a product, service, or yourself.

i read a good book by afutami and she cited some of Alain de Botton phrase, “Anyone who isn't embarrassed of who they were last year probably isn't learning enough.”

I feel first hand embarassment for almost all my 2024 moment. I can't keep myself on track of what identity i shaped before. I broke up with my long-time partner. I was failed to stick with the goal I had for myself. I cut off some people and... I lack of clarity for what I did. I keep counting what lacks in me, to the point where I pity myself in that season of life...

and now, i have the freedom. what was i fight for?

What or who would you be without the stories of being a “30 year old “lost” person who has a list of jobs worked? Let the stories go and just see that life is always just happening and you are life- not the attached stories you have added on. Let them go. The world is not “anywhere now” that’s just another story. The world does what it does as the rise and fall of energy. Everything must be this way and this way is always just as it is… when action or non action is needed for shifts to occur it will happen or not on it’s own accord. ❤

Let me tell you something that took me 27 years to find out.. im 27 now aha. You have a very high level of self-awareness Damien. I also didn't know either. Look into it. It is not a skill or ability that can be easily detected in school or by other people- usually because they are less self-aware themselves. You will only notice when you talk to someone like yourself. I would say you are in the top 5-10% of population. You won't be the funniest most popular guy in the room.

But, the most wise, you see things. I had a lot of conversations with people where it is like trying to make sense of well, nonsense. People are just on another frequency, but we are all “lost”. My high-achieving friend makes 6 figs at 25 in aus and she has no time to ask questions, doesn't feel alive. We all got problems. But, you probably have more savings and dont have 80k debt. So, be frugal! Yeah the world is always valuing the wrong things, what's knew, and self-awareness and your introspection, authenticity is not one of them. Because, how can you sell a self-aware person anything? Bingo. you can't. Ahh the worst jobs for society seem to make the most money...

but you seem like the kind of real person people like (how i long for a friend with high eq or self awareness in this world lol..). Influencers, yeah always seem to be the types that seek the spotlight, want fame, etc. Push products, money grabs. Good news: Half the world is loud extroverted and the other half is looking at those people sideways, we just make it less obvious. A lot of successful types are not extraverted. Seems like you have a lot of things ahead of you- good character, good-looking, high eq, high self-awareness, have had employment for a decade. Many people are unemployed or haven't fully begun their life even by 30. We are comparing to the few who had a goal to climb a certain mountain and raced to the top before even asking themselves if its the mountain they wanted to be climbing...its best to climb the right mountain slowly, than the wrong one fast. Trust me, my father was like you, had a certain real introspective way of talking, that's why i understand the world with high eq. Need more parents with that.

Maybe you think the different jobs “got you nowhere”, “just playing the game” but we all need to play for a bit to know we want to get out. As for partner/family, it is not a race. People swipe 30 profiles a day on dating apps, but we are not going to marry 30 people. It is just one. It is simple concept, but not easy. Let me tell you the reality, that as a man you have more time. That is why your sister is married with a baby. I'm a woman, and well its harder over age 30 for us. Men could marry in mid or late 30s and still be a dad. There are always a group of women looking for marriage 30+ who are rushing against the clock so to speak, really want a nice man. Dont rush it. But dont slack off. The right partner is the life hack they never told us about. Personally, i was 24 when pandemic finished and finished my degree online....yeah $$ down the drain. Then, had to leave Australia for my boyfriend's grad job in a country where i didn't speak the language (will be 6yrs here not much career happening for me) and i've been, lets say semi-unemployed for 3 years. At least you have some work experiences. But things happen for us to develop insight in a period of seperation from our usual environment. Healthy gamer has a video about feeling lost explains the study so well. All of this happened so I could reflect and not waste my life in the race i was in. Now I might get a cottage and i be a housewife...yeah not my original plan lol. Who me? Neve thought it. Life changes. in ways you never anticipate. I lost money from these years, but we have more together, getting married soon. I'm way wiser and i see the world differently. I'm not the same person. neither are you. The connection from a partner, best-friend comes with time. Then, they will be there everyday. You should research careers, university courses, job boards, consider new possibilities. Apply, you can always cancel it. Who cares. Never too old. Just have a plan, a lot is changing with AI sigh

In the last 5-8 weeks I changed so many parts of my life: lost 10-13kg, have a skincare routine, going to gym, adopted Buddhism, rewriting my vision and goal board. Nothing about me is the same. ITs weird, but buddhism says identity is fluid, never stagnant. only other peoples ideas of you in their heads, from their last memory of you...i'm not the same person and i feel like i owe a sort of consistency to the people around me for who i used to be before moving abroad. But i don't recognise that person. We don't owe anyone consistency from who we were yesterday to people around us. This is my life, it will be so uncomfortable more so to others than to me, when i lose 40kg especially since i used to be the chubby girl or people have an idea of me, I was never the skinny friend or the fit girl... I thought i would be saving for a house in the burbs in melbourne and now im looking for a 100k house in the f**ing forest in freezing winter wasteland :) Sweden by ourselves. Give yourself a period of separation from the old environment for 6 months, see who you are.

see who you are without all the momentum from who you used to be. Who calls you? Meditation for months will help you find the answer about university courses or course of action. Every morning 15-30 minutes. Trust me, dont skip it. I will say, changing my appearance has changed my life. I changed so many facets, i dont even look the same...its surreal. like this was available to me before and i didnt know? never saw my face without full layer of fat, and im actually kind of attractive. who, me? damn. hard work. Learn about haircare-opalex. Skin-niacinamide, hallulyronic acid, vitamin c, spf everyday. I went to skin therapist, got some bio peels (never was this “type of person” thought it was for pretty girls only. Now Fitness, style. It will launch you into the next 6-12 months and you wont recognise yourself. It will match your new attitude.

it's always the sweet feminine bisexual oldest daughter champion girlboss who-seems-to-have-it-all woman that got cheated on from some sideline fragile leo who want to ‘make a name for herself’. bukannya aku ngebela orang nonmuslim ya, urusan infidelity mah terlepas dari apa agamanya.

brooooo you wasting her time so MUCH and you fumbled the BIG TREASURE!! detik-detik sblm nikah yaaa gmn sih ya. lo gatau apa betapa pusing-cape-sibuknya punya bisnis begitu?

you're not that cool either. i am WATCHing your downfall or not. either way you will pay the price. ....and you're a muslim? ittaqillah!!!

side note from my experience: i found allah while you're not even find yourself. hehehehe. my lecturer said “orang yang mengikuti hawa nafsu itu orang yang paling bala hidupnya, ahlu bala = orang yang ditimpa kehinaan dan musibah terus menerus.”

ibarat ngumpulin batu kaya thanos, udah lengkap sih influencer(s) and the big name of wlw world sudah ancur semua. nothing to seek the inspiration anymore. gotta move on guys. see ya

Feelings change and woman is all about feelings.

i hate taylor swift, impulsive shopping, hysterical scream because of something exciting/obsessive, and fireworks. i really hate all of them. what is the underlying theme of my hatred?

Analyzing Your Aversions: A Possible Theme Based on your dislikes, it seems like you might have an aversion to intense emotions or overwhelming stimuli.