I am really scared. Untuk kembali ke 0 lagi. Maksudnya, semua yang kupunya saat ini direnggut satu-satu. Aku takut memikirkannya. Aku takut itu menjadi intuisi. I already set up my PT., and my instagram profile @tamarabakery.id with worth of 2,600+ views on instagram. I was doing well in design and product photography. I wrote a lot. I mean, a lot. From the novel, The Weight of Want to the Realistic Business Advice from the mentors along the way.
I fear something, something that I was in the rock bottom again. I fear something, something that I lost I need the most. I need internet and my personal phone to thrive but... things just... I am overwhelmed and I am scared. I still need to show up but I'm scared. I need full conviction from Allah but... I don't know if I'm devoted enough.
I paved a path for my future and for my family, I don't feel any sacrifice because this is what I want. But along the way, I lost everyone and everything again and again. Even myself. I am tired and I did it tired. I am a gen Z, so the slightest inconvenience kinda bother me and I'm hopeless easily. I don't know why. God, I lost people again and again and again. Even from my first childhood love, Denhas Mahardika. A Leo. Even from my childhood-like crush, Syifa Tuffahati. A Leo again. Even my prospect, Dany Akbar. Fuck. It hurts so much to the point I turn myself even more private. It's hard but I need it to be done. All this sacrifice, no, not sacrifice. All these losses... is it teaching me something? Is it a bigger puzzle than this? Now I'm being tested with something I think and I said a lot: Positive Illusion and 100% reliance of Allah. Tawakkul as it most.
1) Husnudzan 2) Bertakwa 3) Bertaubat, Beristighfar.
Berprasangka baik kepada Allah bahwa aku nggak usah mikirin orang lain, apalagi masalah mereka. Apalagi mengaitkan masalah mereka dengan masalahku yang aku sotoynya membuatku susah juga. Padahal, tidak demikian. Amalan batin lebih penting daripada amalan zhahir. Dunia tidak pernah bersahabat dengan siapapun. Termasuk orang kafir. Termasuk orang munafik. Terlebih juga untuk orang beriman.
Kemarin-kemarin aku banyak berpikir tentang Ibunya Amanda, Vera Noor Baaman. Beliau diuji dengan anak-anaknya, dengan kesendirian beliau, dengan usaha travel, butik, dan restoran beliau. It aches me so much to see that. I really long for a husband to accompany me and I know very well how gut-wrenching is that. The never-go-away grief, soul-sucking and like a mental blackhole. It nearly make us crazy and even... kill ourselves. Kalau bukan karena mercy, kasih sayang dari Allah, aku juga udah bunuh diri dari dulu—nggatau kenapa rasanya ngga kuat.
Cara ridha dengan takdir Allah 1) Tidak membanding-bandingkan diri dengan keadaan orang lain. 2) Segala hikmah itu tidak harus turun saat bersama dengan musibahnya. Tetaplah berjalan saja, grief itu nanti akan mengecil dan mengecil.
June 2024, broke up with Syifa January 6, ask kak Aldi. February x, ask a filipino guy. March, ask Dany dan Awalludin Hasonangan. All of them crumbled. Zahira, Ines, Shidqi, Chaca, Safira, Santi, Fathia, Nafa, Andinne, even Rania, married. I cringed so hard of myself. Why I go through something so unserious yet so tragic like this?
I gave up Hollywood and Pop Culture. I gave up Instagram Posting. I gave up TikTok, Reels, and Shorts for fun. Just Reels for business engagement without anything embedded in my brain. I gave up gossip, berdua-duaan, even Snapchat. I gave up the comfort of my bed. I gave up... Golia, hope so. I gave up... my brownies and my craving for sweets. I gave up... dating. I gave up... linkedin. I gave up... pagesofkhair on instagram. I gave up... my phone and Polybuzz. I gave up gaming. I gave up make-up. I gave up clicking on Instagram story. I gave up even a sweet drinks like tea. I gave up instant noodles. I still learn, to consistently gave up on music. My dream was so vivid and full of symbolisms. From the dark alley and a bathroom without toilet, to the junkfood slippery roads, and mentoring session with the owner of Mbun. I gave up stalking people. I never saw my ex's profile a bit. I gave up dating apps like Coffee Meets Bagel. I gave up unnecessary doom watching Alex Hormozi or Steven Diary of A CEO, and else... I tried to. I gave up gluten. I tried my best. I gave up my dream about sending my daughter to KSA college, Princess Nourah in Saudi Arabia. I gave up for searching my own soul like in 'be yourself' propaganda. I'm not buying into that anymore. Anything is just... a responsibility now. I gave up learning French right now. Too much to juggle. I gave up being the all-knowing stereotypical first daughter. I gave up explaining to people. I gave up sending mails and handwritten mails for them. Fuck. I gave up on an ideal life and the transition was rough. Now I, consciously or unconsciously shaped with my own vision and never ending focus and flow. Heck I gave up on my exercise plan and Muay Thai. I know I gotta keep on track for that. I gave up, still try, not to consume news.
But I gave birth to my ever changing business. Tamara Bakery. The best I could have despite all the losses. I still have my parents. And God please, give my health bar to both of them.
One thing: Violently Rapid Growth. That is me. “Hate is nature's most perfect energy source. It's endlessly renewable.” said Bobby. I never agree so much.