on a complex feeling called shame. i mean, i am not ashamed of not having stability 9-5 job. nor i am ashamed of dressing uncommon in this society. i am ashamed that i would be nobody. i am ashamed that i would be going nowhere. this type of society really favor me in one shape and another, but... i still have the internal monologue, quite masculine-istic, that i couldn't make my parents happy for this time. i mean, not that in the matter that i am disappointing them, but in the form that: aku tidak bisa memberangkatkan mereka untuk umroh saat ini in my productive years.
i mean, i have burdened myself with the very things that i don't even know where the middle ground is. i don't know how to, i don't know where to tell about this dream. i surely hanging out with a lot of older peeps, yes i am wiser everyday because of Allah's guidance through them actually. but the truth can't be tamed: that i feel i progressively behind because mereka semua sudah umroh, mereka ada yang sudah haji, mereka ada yang punya anak banyak, cucu, bisnis a b c. i know itu semua perhiasan dunia, harta dan anak-anak adalah perhiasan dunia, but i want what they have. aku tahu apa yang ada di sisi Allah itu lebih besar ganjarannya, tapi, apa yang mereka punya itu juga sebagai sarana/fasilitas/freedom of choice untuk beribadah dan berkarya, mengabdi lebih baik lagi in my humble assumptions.
i feel like the shame feeling kicks in the second time. that i can not be enough like my peers i was standing to. the first shame, adalah saat aku tidak mengerti dan tidak paham dengan pelajaran matematika wajib by Pak Husein and that trauma of teacher-bullying is really vivid. i was behind from my peers but knowing that i passed Universitas Indonesia made me blessed and feel grateful every single time for Allah's favor.
cita-cita memang harus tinggi, proposal hidup harus jelas dan terarah, menjalani keseharian harus jujur, namun bagaimana untuk menghadapi setbacks and knowing that i need to spare myself for mercy? i need mercy from Allah and i gave mercy with whomever i encountered with insya Allah. but for myself... i can't afford it a single sheet of self-compassion about this particular feeling.
i feel like i'm not enough of Allah's great blessing and that's one of devil's trap obviously to keep me in the loop of sadness.
i need to see them (people who are ahead of me as two roles: rolemodels and mentors) that's it. maybe that's a little bandaid for my wet wounds called shame.