anyway, semua menjadi kompleks disaat aku mengenal cinta dan patah hati in a lustful way... the demon, inner demon I've been fighting off and on and off for almost half of my mortal age here. dibilang merusak, iya, merusak my innocence disaat harusnya aku masih lurus-lurus dan bahagia, ada desire yang mengajakku berpikir xyz. everyone has their own shortcomings and my shortcoming is that I always think about s— and s— and s—. there's one day aku sangat sangat ingat yabg ughhhhh fucked up antara diriku dan diriku sendiri. but anyway, this feeling... i don't know it's kinda I do know how men operate on this kind of behavior. I mean, I'm not aggressive by any sense but the feeling of menggebu-gebu to seduce someone, to attract them, to use them, lull them into my warmth. even though I still virgin by any means, but that feeling is there.
never I talked about this experience to my former partner (she's a woman). this is one of the deepest secret of my life yang bener bener bikin aku lepas innocent ke diri aku sendiri. the maxxx level sudah aku lewati. that's why the idea of threesome is so vivid to me because...
aku pernah melakukannya. in the sweet fourteen y.o not with the men obviously aku masih ada rasa jijik sama laki-laki tentang s— di umur segitu. but with women. two of them. I made them orgasm, just rubbing the clits and boobs. corporealization of human, I know. that period of my life is so fucked up and lustful and I lose my innocence there. this is #1.
the #2 lustful experience ya itu bersama former partner. you name it aku pernah ngapain aja, but not threesome. and not penetrating in me. still virgin. but I know how good the pussy is and that's why I kinda now how men operate. and THAT'S MY BIG STRUGGLE TOO, LUST.
lust with both woman and man, combined with the tendency of threesome I had and the love of materialism in my blood. i like gold jeweleries and luxury items (Alhamdulillah Allah kasih banyak) IS MY ONGOING AND MAYBE LIFETIME STRUGGLES. i don't know gimana caranya aku sudah perbaiki diri sendiri BUT IF my future husband ngajak untuk double date atau threesome, f———————ck aku bisa lemah banget knowing that ada partner halalnya dan di otakku, aku pikir itu bener padahal salah besar.
sejalan sama wanita barusan yg aku cerita ttg dia nikahin 3 suami. suami 1 suami asli, suami 2 itu ustadz dan suami 3 itu pengusaha kaya. I CAN SEE MYSELF IN THAT WOMAN makanya kenapa aku cerita ttg dia di writeas ini because i relate on that deep level.